A Golden Knot
It feels like my whole life is spinning and somehow going so slow.
It feels like I can't do anything without her.
It feels like I have a rope tied to my heart that keeps me connected to her.
Holding me from doing anything or enjoying anything.
I can't figure out how to get over her.
Because its not that I just have to "get over her", I have to give up everything.
Every part of myself that I've gotten so used to.
Every little feeling of anxiety I hide, every pain in my heart, every time I feel the rope pull taut.
I just realized that the reason she still pulls on me is because I'm still looking for reassurance.
Reassurance she loves me or not.
Reassurance that she might want to get back with me.
Reassurance that she still thinks about me.
And I don't know what caused my need for constant reassurance, but she was the first and only person to pull it out of me.
And im not a great person
I did someting really bad a few years ago and all my friends left me.
And to this day I still have to make sure that they won't leave me at a moments notice.
But to get over her, I have to get over that.
Because I will never get her reassurance.
And the longer I try, the longer I kill myself in the process.
The more I lose the person I think I am.
So that's why I think its so hard to move on.
Because I'm not just cutting the rope between me and her, I'm cutting every single rope thats been choking me for my whole life.
Every peice of the person I call myself today.